Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Had a Cadbury’s Easter Crème Egg™ Like Me

Yes, I just gorged myself on an unseasonably early Easter Crème Egg, and man, did it hit the spot. It also makes me feel a little bit like rollerskating, but that’s because I was born in the 70’s and I remember every commercial I’ve ever seen. Marketing reaches me, what can I say?

I’m on the world’s most boring conference call so I decided to blog a bit. I sent my Coach and my parents directions etc. to the hospital where I’m going to deliver, which some people might think is excessively early but I call BEING PREPARED. And compulsive. And otherwise bored enough and trying to ignore other things enough to do so.

I finally got a full night’s sleep last night which felt AWESOME. It only happened because I screamed at Loud before he went out and he didn’t come home until mid-morning, but it was definitely worth it. I’ll scream at him like a crazy person every night if this is the result. I don’t feel like dying today, which is nice and a first for this week.

Junior is moving around more, and it feels pretty freaky. I guess she should enjoy the spaciousness of the penthouse suite while she can, before my uterus slowly downsizes her to a van down by the river. According to one of the billion emails I get from various websites and diaper companies on a daily basis, pretty soon people will be able to hear her heartbeat just by shoving their ears against my pudge, which is cool but it’s one of the milestones that makes me a little sad (no partner to share this with). But Coach will get a kick out of it. Speaking of Coach, I need to nag her about Junior’s website. I had my first inquiry about it yesterday, I was thrilled!

THIS WEEK’S STATUS
House: No showings, no offers, no movement, maximum depression
Junior: Lots of movement, increased hearing development and cravings for liquid sugar in hummingbird-like manner
Mental State: Increased brain mush, inability to focus or retain information, concerned about in-office meetings in Boston next week due to obvious cow-like stupidity
Physical State: Belly button very shallow, weight gained 12 lbs, stretch marks approaching neck, maximum laziness achieved

Only One More Month of Diabetic Denial

Topping today’s list of ‘Oh-my-god-I-had-it-when-I-was-a-child-and-if-I-can’t-get-it-for-Junior-I’ll-simply-die’ items is a favorite bedtime LP, 101 Golden Nursery Songs. My friends, coworkers, and strangers in grocery stores alike can blame this for those times when I am absent-mindedly humming, ‘Oh Dear What Can the Matter Be’ under my breath. I found someone on Ebay selling a decent copy, and I am hoping to appeal to Loud’s sense of greed by bribing him to clean it up and convert it to MP3 for me (in addition to cold hard cash he’ll also get to feel superior, which he may love more than the money). Then I just need to convert the cassettes I’ve got, and I feel pretty good about Junior’s formative years, soundtrack by Sharon, Lois and Bram and Sandra Beech and those nice inoffensive folks.

I had a monthly doctor’s appointment today with my favorite doc, who likes to say things like, ‘Yep, there’s your kid!’ when listening to the heartbeat (150 bpm). He told me to go ahead and pick up some otc Pepcid or Zantac or Tagamet because it was all perfectly safe and I’d be a much happier person, and also recommended switching to a multi vitamin without iron. I think I’m going to take his advice on both those. He asked me about getting the flu shot but didn’t seem too worried about it, so I’m still going to avoid it (knock on healthy, non-contagious wood). I also was given the oft-spoke-of orange glucose test drink for my next appointment at the end of February, which is exciting. Especially since I had tapioca pudding for dinner last night. Seriously, that’s it, a bowl of WARM tapioca pudding. Gross. Yet delicious, and the only thing I wanted (hey, I figured it had milk and egg and only a teensy bit of sugar, right?).

I can’t seem to get comfortable lately, either sitting or at night. Yes, I know it’s only going to get worse, but that doesn’t help me right now. Also, Loud’s latest 5 am habit of running around slamming doors and talking to Quiet is wearing thin. Why would someone be stupid enough to torture an insomniac light-sleeping pregnant woman in this way? Let me know your suggestions for killing him cleanly and surreptitiously while still managing to get a mortgage check out of him.

In other news, sister N. has skillfully played the Get Out of Work for Another Year card by accidentally tripping and falling on a baby-making device again. I can’t write about how I really feel since she reads my blog, and I don’t want to start a rumble by admitting my selfish feelings of irritation about her stealing my pregnancy/new baby thunder, but I am excited for her and hey, a baby is always a cool thing. Just not when you find out via The Facebook.

I travel to Boston next week for work, and while I’m dreading the actual travel it will be nice to again get away. I’m depressed because we’ve only had one house showing, and this weekend is the Super Bowl so traffic will likely be light. I’m also worried because now Loud is saying he can’t possibly come up with the money, which will be exciting to deal with if we do actually get an offer. Driving to my appointment today I realized for the first time (duh) how crappy it would be if we sold the place in the next month or so and I moved to the other side of Raleigh but still had to drive back and forth to Chapel Hill every 10 seconds for doctor’s appointments (plus had to get to the hospital while in labor). But then I decided not to worry about it, because hey, if we sell the house I don’t care if I have to have the baby in a taxi. Ok, I take that back, I care a little bit. But you know what I mean.

I found out from my Ohio cousin that a shower is definitely out due to lousy March schedules, so I will be relying on the kindness of local friends who I will murder if they try to make it a surprise (the same group of friends planned a surprise 30th, which was awesome but which made me cry and shake for 2 hours). It’s disappointing because my mum and sisters won’t be able to be there, but I’m lucky I’ve got such great love and support from my buddies. I really need it as I progress farther and really start to feel the distance between me and my family.

So that's about it for now. Junior is where she’s suppose to be and doing what she’s suppose to be doing, according to the doc, despite the fact that I expect him to tell me she’s mysteriously disappeared or something is horribly tragically wrong every time I go in to the office. Oh, and today’s visit was AWESOME (really, it was, that’s not sarcasm) – I think I ranted in a previous post about waiting for a million hours at my last appointment. Well, someone paid attention to the feedback because today I had to carry around a little clipboard with a digital clock, and note the times I was checked in, went back to see the doc, etc. Bravo, UNC! I love to see process improvement. It makes me happy that they’re aware of the problem and are trying to fix it. I was in and out in under an hour today. That will make bi-weekly visits much more bearable.

Book List

I decided that since today was Friday I should give myself a little break from all the pressing deadlines looming over me (no one loves procrastination like me!) and spend some time working on Junior’s Book List. And I also showered, so everyone should be proud and I should get a gold star on my chore chart.

I had a pretty decent collection already started, since way back when I was in Teacher’s College for Primary/Junior education I had got it into my head that I needed to do so, despite my lack of funds and expensive drinking habits. There was a great discount book store in Ottawa, and a fancy children’s-books-only place in the snootier part of town that was good for hard to find stuff.

Despite the fact that I’ll probably just be moving and have to re-pack it all, I hauled everything I could find onto the shelf in Junior’s room and have been critically evaluating the collection for gaps, either in age group (since I don’t have very many board books or soft books), author (Seuss/Scarry), or topic (concepts, alphabet, manners, etc.). I also wanted to make sure I had the classics covered, as well as childhood favorites. I was happy to discover that most of what I was lacking was available on my friend Amazon, so I thought I’d share today’s order with you;

Big Max (It took me half the morning to remember the title of this – you should have seen the stuff I was typing into the Google search bar to help me. ‘Elephants melting ice’ didn’t get me very far, just so you know)
Knuffle Bunny
The B Book
On Beyond Zebra
In a People House
Clifford the Big Red Dog
Strega Nona
Cars and Trucks and Things That Go
What Do People Do All Day?
The Story of Babar (which, apparently, I’m not suppose to read to Junior because it’s ‘colonist’)
Madeline
Are You My Mother?
Curious George
In the Night Kitchen
Harold and the Purple Crayon
Tikki Tikki Tembo

(plus a couple little tag books and board books)

I was also trying to find a decent collection of Little Golden Books, but didn’t like what I found so I’ll keep looking. In addition I made a half-hearted attempt to find a Barbapapa book or DVD, but no dice (on a side note, during the Barbapapa search there was a thread about Jeremy Bear – man, that show made me cry!).

Next up – Junior’s Music Library! I’m eyeballing an expensive piece of equipment that will nicely turn all my old cassettes into MP3 files, since I’ve got so much stuff on tape that is basically useless unless I find a Teddy Ruxpin (I’m joking, Teddy Ruxpin is terrifying and they still sell them and I would NEVER allow one to get near Junior). The stuff I’m most anxious to get converted are a series of Robert Munsch books read by the author, since the limited audio stuff that is out there now is, well, limited, and pricey. And I’ve also got all kinds of old stuff like Sesame Street and Muppets and Disney Read-a-Long tapes that would just be nice to have in a less 1970’s format.

Happy Friday! We sign paperwork to put the house back on the market at a tragically reduced price tonight, so wish me luck. I’m so excited to be prepping for house showings again. Nasty strangers pawing through stuff in Junior’s pretty room and then complaining that the living room is too small, I can’t wait.

Tacos and Pennywise

Speaking of commercials aimed at pregnant women, or featuring pregnant women, or subtly implying sexy-time baby-making of some kind, there is a Taco Bell commercial running right now for one of their short-lived ‘crunchy cheesy chewy tasty tubby’ promo items. One that I refuse to get sucked into, mind you, because I always end up falling desperately and tragically in love with whatever short lived cheese-and-beef-and-rice-and-bean new and exciting creation they come up with, and then it goes away (I’m talking about my dream lover, the Cheesy Beefy Melt. Oh, Cheesy Beefy Melt, how I long for your touch.). There I sit, sobbing into my mundane everyday tacos once the promotion is over, thinking of those carefree days of specialty features long gone. Anyhow, the point I’m making is that the ad features a knocked up chick who gets her husband to run out to TB at some ungodly hour to satisfy her crazy pregnant craving. And the ad sadly represents me now. I think that 4+ Taco Bell meals in one week is officially a craving. I was even pitiful enough to buy one of the grocery store heat-in-60-seconds Taco Bell Santa Fe ‘bowls’ (which, disturbingly, would be a totally awesome quick and filling meal if served over some chips). Irritatingly, Taco Bell is the fast food chain farthest from my house, so I always eat it lukewarm. But with great gusto.

My Taco Bell order (never strays from this, unless the Cheesy Beefy Melt is in town or I am dying for a Spicy Chicken Soft Taco, although I have to be careful because some TB’s put a disgusting mayonnaise goo product on their SCST’s):

Combo #5, Crunchy Taco Supreme and a Nachos Bellgrande
½ Sierra Mist, ½ Fruit Punch to drink
Side of rice (which I pour over the nachos)

Yes, I love Taco Bell right now so much that I devoted a whole blog post to it. I’m going to go somewhere and cry mild sauce now because I'm so pitiful. Hey, at least it wasn't potatoes and sour cream, right? RIGHT?!

I have got to stop posting about food.

(p.s. On my way home, I saw what I thought was a child’s ball stuck in one of the storm sewer gratings around the corner from my house – BUT IT WAS A BALLOON! How terrifying is THAT?!!)

New Life, Potatoes, and Taxes

Maybe it’s just me and I’m hyper-sensitive due to my delicate condition, but it seems like my friend the television is providing nothing but baby-related topics. No, I’m not watching Lifetime and Hallmark, I’m watching things like Family Guy and Law and Order.

For example, last night’s Law and Order (spoiler alert!) was about frozen embryos being stolen, and the controversy surrounding all the reasons the couples were using egg storage in the first place, biological clocks and old eggs, etc. We learned that Olivia (Mariska Hargitay, my fave), tried to apply to adopt a baby but was turned down. I cried. It was really good. Anyhow, my point is that the commercial that showed next featured the ‘Can you hear me now?’ cell phone guy, pretending to be in labor to test the phone capabilities. And Tina Fey has a movie coming out where she plays a single mom who uses a surrogate to conceive after failed attempts on her own.

It probably is just me, and in my baby-crazed state it just seems like babyland out there. But I love it nonetheless.

Speaking of things I love, my relationship with potatoes has become abusive. Last night for dinner I did not have fresh bright green vegetables or fruit or protein or whole grains or anything that might in any way be good for me or Junior. I had a can of small white boiled potatoes, sliced and fried in butter, sprinkled with seasoning salt and served with a generous dollop of sour cream. That was my dinner. I deserve your derision. It was the most delicious thing I’ve eaten all week, and as you know I’ve had several very good meals. I have got to do better at not letting the potatoes control me. I can hear the remaining can calling me now, as I think about what to have for lunch. I must resist their siren song.

On a side note, I’m done my taxes, are you? They turned out almost exactly how I wanted, which is always nice, since I have to pay off my Invisalign debt somehow and don't think hooking is the right answer.
(I’m sick, I LOVE to do my taxes)

And how sad is it about Heath Ledger? When I first started hearing the report, I thought they were talking about my boy Jake at first because all I heard was Oscar-nominated and Brokeback Mountain (BTW, I’ve finally accepted that he’s dating Reese, and I think they’re kinda cute together). But still, so sad. And now so much extra Dark Knight hype, a la The Crow. And what’s with that Star Trek preview where they’re arc-welding a spaceship? *sigh*

So soon I won’t have any pop culture knowledge at all.

Monday, Monday

Well, it’s a Monday. I had a pretty decent weekend, actually, and made myself go to a social event (cooking club meet up). We got a sprinkling of snow which made things delightfully chilly, and I got my paperwork for the Get Rid of the House Loan, which is both exciting and horribly depressing at the same time (seriously, take a minute and think of everything you could do with $10,000 other than hand it to a lawyer when you are SELLING something). But since Loud has been singing to himself for about an hour in the room beneath me while I am trying to concentrate on my product release service plan, I am comforted in the knowledge that $10K is in retrospect a very small price to pay to never, ever have to see or hear him again. I’ll just think of it as mob hit money.

In other financial missteps, my latest Junior purchase is the Disney DVD club enrollment. Anyone who knows me knows that I love to join DVD clubs, get the free stuff and the exact number of DVDs to fulfill membership, quit, and then do it all again. Seriously, I have worked out the numbers on this and it’s still a good deal AS LONG AS YOU DON’T GET SUCKED INTO BUYING ANYTHING ELSE. So I figured I’d start a Disney collection for Junior, including the classics like Cinderella, as well as stuff that’s just plain awesome like Monsters, Inc. I have a few VHS, but don’t have a VCR anymore, plus kids today know how to work DVD players much easier. And this way they are hers right from the get-go, and I don’t worry about her destroying my stuff.

This weekend I hung out with Coach J., who was lured by the siren song of pink musical bunnies to purchase more stuffed critters for Junior. I almost bought one of those textured blanket thingies with the dots (what’s the deal with those? They’re EVERYWHERE!) when I realized I had to get a grip, because that’s the perfect example of something someone would give as a shower gift. I have to admit though, I am starting to worry about a shower. I talked to my cousin in Cincinnati and she didn’t mention anything, so I don’t think that’s going to happen. That would totally suck. My friends here would probably have one, but I have so few local female friends that it would be pretty sparse. It’s not even that I’m upset or worried about the lack of haul; I was just really looking forward to the whole Shower Experience, especially since I missed out on a wedding extravaganza. I want the games, and the shared stories from other moms, and, well, the ceremony of it.

Junior is still doing well, although I had a nightmare that I was at my next appointment and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. What upsets me is that in the dream I was like, ‘Well, I should have expected this’. I am still surprised by the fear and anxiety that expectant mothers (and then later, mothers of alive and healthy yet totally vulnerable children) carry with them constantly. I think this, in part, helps explain the bond that all mothers feel but can’t describe; this terror and fierce protectiveness. My mum is starting to get excited about the visit and another new baby, whilst I lay in bed trying to remember the 411* of contractions as if I'm going to be tested on it in the morning.

*4 minutes apart, lasting one minute, consistent for over one hour

100th Post

Can you believe it? Not only that I made it this far, and am pregnant a mere year later, but have also continued writing and posting?! Personally, I’m a little shocked. In my 100th Post Retrospective, looking back to last January I really don’t think I ever guessed I would actually make it to this point (with Junior, not the blog). Hence the total surprise and shock when I got pregnant that first time. No matter the years of planning, the reality was way too much to deal with.

I look back at those initial posts http://diypregnancy.blogspot.com/2007_01_01_archive.html and think about what I did wrong, what I did right, all my worries and fears and hopes, and how much different things are today from those first days. My job is different, my home will soon be different (yes, it looks like we’re going to try listing the house again and take a loss, which is beyond stressful to think about (moving when I’m 7-8 months pregnant), but I still know it’s probably for the best), my relationships are different, I’m different. I look at all the things that I planned for that didn’t happen, and all the things I didn’t know were coming that I couldn’t possibly have planned for (this nesting thing is really super crazy! I finished the baby blanket and am panicky to start ANOTHER one).

2007 was a tough year in a lot of ways, but 2008 is off to a pretty good start. If I were the kind of person to count blessings, I'd say I had my fair share right now despite some of the so-bad-I-don't-talk-about-it-anymore stuff. Junior and I are healthy and reasonably stable and have plans and friends and loved ones. And soon, each other.

Junior Hates the Dentist

I had another one of my monthly Invisalign checkups today, which was a good news/bad news kinda thing. Turns out my teeth are just as stubborn and unwilling to compromise as the rest of me, and I will have to have a mid-track adjustment. What does this mean? It means that I have to have new impressions taken, and new sets of trays made for the duration of my treatment (6 months+). While this is technically bad news, it means that I get to spend a few weeks without the trays or the annoying little things soldered on my teeth (huzzah!), plus it extends my treatment time so Junior’s arrival won’t mess things up as badly. So I rewarded myself with Goodberry’s, although I am officially submitting a caramel-wet walnut-marshmallow sundae as Something You Definitely Should Not Eat While Driving, along with nachos bellgrande and soup.

In continued good news, the rocker/glider arrived and OH. MAH. GOD. Wait til you see the color. I was a wee bit worried because in the online pics the cushion color was, well, a tad bit brighter shade of pink than I really wanted. But the description said ‘Light Pink’, so I trusted it. I couldn’t have got it any closer to the nursery wall color if I had tried. It’s perfect. It’s beyond perfect. I actually giggled aloud with glee when I opened the box. I’ve still got to put it together, but it’s basically just attaching the back and arms and cushions, so it will be a snap. And the nice neighbor kid is coming in a few minutes to break down and haul away the fort of boxes and styrofoam that I have built in the garage so that I don’t have to deal with that (hey, there are some problems I have learned that are just really super convenient to throw money at, plus I’m helping out a very helpful and polite high schooler, who hopefully will not use the pittance I give him to buy crystal meth at my neighborhood club house since that’s apparently what the kids are doing nowadays).

In yet more good news I had my yearly review today, which went extremely well, especially considering I’ve only been in the role three months. I got a bit of a raise that I wasn’t really expecting, so glory hallelujah and praise daycare. Now Junior won’t be beaten and starved quite as much. Junior, who, by the way, was not at all impressed by the dentist’s office for whatever reason and made quite a show if it by trying to kick through my abdomen. I can only assume my heart rate increased or something lame and science-y like that, and she was trying to say, ‘Hey, mum, calm the heck down, I’m trying to enjoy a pleasant amniotic cocktail in here!’. My dentist and the assistant were thrilled with the news, and the assistant instantly confided that she’d been trying IUI unsuccessfully for three years, while my dentist informed me she was a single mom of a 6-year old boy. I love the stories that come out of people when I share that I did it myself. Either there really aren’t that many women who do it, or they’re just not as crazy about talking about it to the whole world as I am. Whatever the case, everyone at my dentist’s office is all abuzz, and the assistant looks at me like I invented gravity. I, of course, am a very gracious and un-smug martyr.

In sad news (but it was technically yesterday), I started to make my infamous chocolate fudge layer cake with seedless raspberry filling, but when I went to frost it I didn't have enough confectioner's sugar. I almost sat on the floor and wept. Of course it was like 10 pm so I didn't want to go out to the store, and I should not have been planning to eat chocolate cake at 10 pm anyhow, so I waited to go to the store today. So, more good news - chocolate cake for dinner, complete with icing!

Junior Better Not be Picky

Did you know that the supposed number of portions per gallon of Eddy’s Rocky Road ice cream is 14? FOURTEEN. I’ll be lucky if I get five servings out of the current carton. In addition to the gargantuan helping I’ve been tossing down each night, I add chocolate syrup, additional marshmallows, and whipped cream. Other people might consider this normal, but for a hard-core salt snacker, it’s very strange for me. I finally get why people go nuts for chocolate ice cream, because I want to rub it all over myself. That seems to be the only thing out of the ordinary as far as my eating habits. I made one of my favorite summer dinners last night, Vegetarian Gumbo, substituting frozen corn and okra for the fresh I usually use. It was still delicious. And it tickled me a bit to add exposure to another food type to Junior. So far she’s had Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Cajun, Mexican, Seafood, Indian, and Canadian. I still need to throw in some German, and some time this week she’ll get Polish since I bought pierogis . And I’ve been thinking of making Chicken Paprikash with Spaetzel, which would cover Hungarian. Ooh, and I bought lamb to make these precious little dumplings that were in 'Living', so she’ll get some Greek. Uh, so obviously my appetite is returning, although I still can only eat little bits and it hurts me, like a gastric bypass patient.

Today for breakfast I tried the new Oat Cluster Cheerios Crunch, because I am a total sucker for anything new, especially with ‘Crunch’ in the title (my standing fave is Raisin Bran Crunch, and Kashi’s Go Lean Crunch is a close second). I guess it’s the crunch that makes it so tasty. Anyhow, it’s freaking delicious, and if you haven’t been back to Cheerios in a while like me, they’re a very pleasant heart-healthy whole-grain treat.

I also had a very lovely toasted crumpet with butter and strawberry-rhubarb jam, and a scalding cup of Lady Grey tea. Very British of me, I know. I was a little disappointed in the jam until I was able to pinpoint the funny taste – I realized that last night when I made the gumbo I used the garlic-dicing knife to cut a wedge of sautéing butter, and apparently rubbed garlic all over the place. So I had a lovely toasted crumpet with garlic butter and jam, which wasn’t as tasty as you’d think. Oh, and I had a handful of prunes, because that’s what I’ve been reduced to. So for someone who a year ago never, ever ate breakfast (except for the rare Burger King ham-egg-cheese croissandwich), I think I’m doing very well. And of course, I took my prenatal vitamin and a DHA supplement. And then keeled over because I was so full. I'm still at 8 lbs gained, which is exactly where I want to be for the halfway point, although with less weight-management-vomitting I need to watch the ice cream in the next few months. And get some damn exercise, sheesh!

What's Black and Pink and Heartburn-y All Over?

Coming into week 23 I have a new exciting experience – constant heartburn/indigestion. I now get it when I haven’t eaten, when I’ve just eaten (anything), 2 hours after I’ve eaten, and whenever I buy a consumable item or look at food pictures. My friend T. warned me that it was coming, and that if I had any problems to get on this new wonderful medication ASAP. Of course I’ve totally forgotten what that delightful drug is called, but I’ll ask the doc about it on my next visit because, uh, ouch. Nothing I seem to do helps – I sit bolt upright, I take Tums or Rolaids by the fistful, I drink fluids, I don’t drink fluids, I cut out OJ, I eat a Rocky Road sundae (ok, the last thing is not medically proven to help, but man, am I ever craving Rocky Road ice cream lately!).

The nursery is almost-totally-completely-done, I’m just waiting on the rocker/glider and ottoman to arrive. The assembly wasn’t as painful as I thought, although doing it by myself meant some awkward straining and twisting and banging nice black furniture into pink walls. It’s pretty much exactly how I envisioned it, which always makes me happy, and it will look really nice for prospective buyers, which is more important. I got a little carried away and bought diapers and wipes and powder and those sorts of things so it’s really and truly compulsively ready (hey, think about all those stories you hear where women go into early labor and nothing is done!). And I admit, it was kinda cool deciphering the Secret Code of Diaper Sizing and selecting a brand (I went with Huggies because they have that newborn-navel-cutout, which I think is brilliant). If you’re on the Facebook I posted some pics and a semi-coherent video tour there, although I haven’t quite figured out all the functions of my new digital camera yet, so you will have to tilt your head sideways for part of it. I would've re-shot but Loud is actually awake in sunlight hours today and banging around so I didn't want to subject anyone to that.

So other than baby-proofing, which I may not even have to do in this house (knock on cursed wood), I think I’m pretty much set. I’ll wait another couple months to get a trip-to-the-hospital bag ready, and put the finishing touches on my novella, ‘Things for Coach J.’, but otherwise I just need to concentrate on work and sleep and growing the kid some more. And not barfing in the kitchen sink (which I did again today, for no good reason).

Miscarriage-Free in the Windy City

It's been five months since my last Chicago trip. When I last arrived in Chicago I was 6 weeks pregnant, still getting use to the idea, still doubtful and hopeful and terrified and confused. And then the spotting began. It was really hard to be back and not remember what I was going through on that last trip, and to realize that yes, I still occasionally check the toilet paper for blood when I pee, although not every single time any more. Every twinge reminds me that this whole thing is still not guaranteed. Every pair of frilly socks I buy, every piece of furniture that arrives, I think, What if I never get to use this? My worries aren't so much about carrying a to-term baby now, but how I would deal with losing her during labor or after. Now that the furniture has all arrived (just waiting on the rocker/glider) and will hopefully be all assembled and sworn at and staged just-so this weekend, I think more and more about how each step brings her closer, makes her more real, makes me want to have and to hold even more, and that wanting scares me a bit.

The trip was fine, uneventful, just the way I like my business travel. I checked my little carry-on for the first time so I wouldn't have to heft it into the overhead. Everything was just a teensy bit tougher (the flight, being tired, lugging the laptop, peeing every five seconds), but I feel pretty good in general.

The coworker I hitched a ride with from the airport (man, am I ever a baby about not renting a car) is 40 years old and has just started IUI fertility treatments. Her hubby is 49 - they got married 3 years ago and have been trying to get pregnant since. They're going to try donor eggs after 6 months or so if they aren't successful. She is in that phase where she's hopeful still, and trying not to get excited, and I realized with a start that I had become one of those smug pregnant women. I was very friendly and as un-smug as I could be, but I could tell that a part of her was eyeballing me, a single crazy person who was still on a nursery-painting high. I looked at her and thought, 'That's why I did this now'.

Speaking of which, the nursery painting went really well. Lots of help from Cousin J, and lots of huffing and puffing from fatty me as I realized, Yes, this is why I'm not supposed to be up on a ladder when great with child. After much agonizing in Lowe's I put down the 'Cotton Candy' and went with 'Pink Stork' (really, how could I not?), which I am thrilled with - a nice soft color that should look good with both the furniture and the bedding. I cannot wait to put together everything this weekend. All the big pieces have arrived, which is awesome timing (even the little side table made it here about an hour ago).

Health Check: Swollen feet. SO swollen. Need new work shoes definitely. And two people in my workshop tried to touch the belly. They told me I was going to be a terrible mother when I violently lashed out at them. I'm hot all the time, and the constipation is killing me. I've never had this problem, and I'm eating Raisin Bran Crunch like crazy but it might as well be Bind Things Up More Painfully. The saving grace was a flat-screen TV built into the bathroom mirror in my hotel bathroom. What a freaking brilliant invention. My father would never leave the crapper if he had something like that.

And So It Begins

I may have gone a little Ebay crazy. With hangers. ‘Hangers’?, you might ask, surprised and confused and a little bit suspicious. Yes, hangers, Precious little pint-sized baby hangers, for all those millions of outfits I will buy that Junior will never wear because, well, she’s only one baby and she’ll probably outgrow everything about five minutes after I realize it would fit her.

So yes, I got it in my head that buying baby hangers on Ebay was a resourceful and economical way to stock up the closet. However, I’m pretty sure that no one needs two hundred of anything from Ebay, unless it’s Snow Babies for my friend Dre. So here I am, with two hundred hangers (100 regular and 100 pants). Uh, actually 250, because I also bought another batch because they were Ikea and multi-colored and really cute, and god forbid poor Junior have nothing in her closet but plain white hangers like some commoner.

The vicious cycle that is baby hangers, however, encouraged me to then make an online Old Navy purchase. Denim jumpers and performance fleece for a newborn are just SO CUTE! So unnecessary! How can anyone even deal? There is no yellow or purple or green or red in the entire order, and I dread the day Junior informs me that one of those is her favorite color in the whole wide world.

Luckily I bought a dresser for her that only has two drawers.

Check Up

Some additional interesting Second Trimester facts:

- Doing so much as changing the TV channel (with the remote) causes me to become out-of-breath, gasping and wheezing like I ran a marathon. I develop a deep compassion for asthmatics and smokers.
- My belly button looks funny and has become shallow (and probably insensitive as well). By ‘funny’ I mean scarily distorted and pinkish-blackish on the inside. I dread the outie. Belly buttons are disgusting in general, and this is heading nowhere good, fast.
- Constipation – not just a punch line anymore. I may have to break down and buy some delicious ‘dried plums’, recommended by my sister but not as a beach snack.
- Skin pigmentation and stretch marks. ACCCKKK!! I’ve been mauled by claws! The markings are decidedly unsexy. Thank god I’m single.
- No change in breasts – HALLELUJAH!!! I keep waiting for the girls to suddenly pop over night and smother me in my sleep, but so far there hasn’t been any major size change. I am hoping that I will be the one person whose breasts stay the exact same. Don’t tell any small-breasted women this, they tend to cry.
- Discharge. There’s plenty of it. ‘Nuff said.
- Typing this made me tired and light-headed, and I’m panting. I’m also hot, despite the fact there is a light snow falling in my room due to the lack of any heating device.

Junior had her follow-up ultrasound today, where the tech spent 4 ½ hours looking at her heart and making mine leap up into my throat with worry. Apparently all is well. I also participated in another study, this one for short cervix. Mine seems to be competent enough, which is nice of it to do its job well. I voiced my lack-of-weight-gain fear to the doctor and she said not to worry, that they were probably going to revise the numbers again anyhow (I guess too many women are porking out?) and that they could check Junior’s weight at another visit if I was really that concerned. I figure that even though I'm not eating much I'm eating well, so I'm ok with that. I got prodded and poked some, and had blood drawn for the alpha-fetoprotein test (for neural tube defects), and was totally freaked out when the tech said I was having some contractions. Uh, those are the things that push the baby out, I don’t want those yet! I guess it’s not uncommon for the body to do some practicing in the second trimester – basically it’s the equivalent of uterine push-ups to get in shape for the big event. All it did was serve as a reminder that some day, before my next birthday, I am going to have to push a baby out of me. Today’s irrational panic attack was how I’m going to get to the hospital, and how I’ll take a taxi before I let Loud drive me there.

Otherwise, Junior was fine, healthy 158 beats per minute and a nice spine and two cute little feet that were folded together modestly (good thing I found out she was a girl last visit, guess I’ll have to just go ahead with the pink and hope there isn’t something hiding there). I was all pissed off from waiting two hours for the doc so I was surly, pretty much guaranteeing that the polite little apologetic Asian woman will be the one to deliver me. Two more visits and I have the diabetes/glucose test, and then it’s every-other-week appointments for me. Unbelievable that I’m at that point already. I need to rent an apartment on the UNC campus, I can’t cope with that drive/parking experience that often.

p.s. The nursery furniture is on the way! I got the closet organizer set up, and the mattress arrived already. Painting tomorrow. Very excited. Nursery. For a baby.

p.p.s. My brain is officially mush. Have you read 'Flowers for Algernon'? At the end, when he's regressing back to being mentally challenged, but he has enough intelligence to realize the frustration and futility of it? Yeah, that's me. I left my COAT in a restaurant. In 20 degree weather. This is what I get for making fun of all those friends with 'pregnancy brain'. Man, Junior better be smart.

It's Worked So Far, But We're Not Out Yet

Happy New Year! I scared myself by realizing that 2007 marked the end of me-just-being-me, self-centered and self-absorbed and self-serving, and that 2008 means me-and-another-being, forever and ever. I had also made a promise to myself that the new year needed to bring a change in my miscellaneous and sometimes exorbitant spending habits. No more $200 sprees on makeup and hair care products, no more buying whatever the heck I want in general. Better budgeting, buying stuff for baby, blah blah blah. My plan has backfired, however, because what I am doing now is using my petty cash on exorbitant baby spending. Today I ordered bedding and a full nursery furniture set, for example. Must rethink my rules.

Junior is doing well and is looking forward to another ultrasound this Friday. I finally started to feel her move around just a day or two before Christmas. The people who say it feels like ‘butterflies’ or ‘gas’ are just crazy. It feels exactly like bubbles. I notice it the most at night, or when I’m sitting very quietly (like in the car on the way back from Canada), or when I have a full bladder. It’s creepy, and cool, and I can’t wait until I can feel the kicks from the outside or start to identify how she’s positioned. I definitely hold or rub my stomach without thinking about it lately, and the waistline has all but disappeared. I still have the weird double-bump thing going on, but that’s apparently normal. My appetite is pretty normal as far as food selections go (no weird cravings or aversions), but I definitely can’t eat as much as I used to. I’m going to ask the doctor Friday if this is ok (people think I’m crazy when I suggest that it’s because my stomach is already being compressed), especially since I’ve only gained 4 pounds and I’m at the halfway point. Halfway point! That’s so crazy. I’m so excited though, because that means I get to set up the nursery. Not only is it a room project, which I love (despite the fact that I’ll probably get it done and then move 5 seconds later, aka the Home Office Knightdale Project), but it’s a nursery. For a baby girl. Did I mention I get to decorate and set up a nursery? And I'm secretly thrilled that I've only gained 4 lbs.

I got to see lots of high school and college buddies while I was in my hometown for the holidays, which was nice. My friend Lola gave me two stuffed diaper boxes filled with clothes, all of them in great condition and all of them styles/designs/colors that I love. There is a little sailor dress that makes me weep openly to look at. I am going out this weekend to get baby hangers and some sort of closet organization system to start putting stuff away. Man, I love to organize. And the idea of having some of Junior’s stuff already in Her Room is just SO COOL. My daughter’s future bedroom. Aaaaccckkkkk! I decided to go ahead and get a bookshelf and toy box for the room in addition to the standard crib/dresser/change table. Now I just need to find a rocker/glider on Craigslist since I refuse to pay the ridiculous amount that they charge new.

I need to start looking into some sort of childbirth class. And find out what exactly the deal is with getting assigned a Doula. And get some damn exercise. Otherwise, I think things are under control nicely. My mum and dad are giving me their budgeted Wedding Fund Contribution for the baby, which is awesome of them, so my worries about totally emptying my savings to pay the hospital bill are gone. And no, it doesn’t bug me that they’ve given up on a wedding, because I haven’t – and now I won’t have to worry about them having some sort of crazy strings-attached request if and when I do tie the knot. So, huzzah! I got the exact amount of well-wishing pressure to move back to Canada that I was expecting, and I explained over and over to people that unless they were going to buy my current house, the whole point was moot right now anyhow. And that's all I'll say about the house, because I just can't think about it anymore. I shall instead keep the focus on ensuring my job security, my latest painting project, and the melon/banana I am growing.