I Am Slowly Going Crazy

Today my first thought upon waking was, ‘I refuse to make myself crazy thinking about this pregnancy today’. In reality it was more like, ‘Omg, I’m awake, what can I worry about?’, but that was closely followed by general feelings of irritation at how insane I’ve become with reading every single thing I can get my hands on.

I think it’s just such an all-encompassing thing, and you have no control over it, and you don’t know anything about it, and it’s not the same for any one person so the stories and advice can’t always help or don’t always apply, and we’re really just desperate to find that one little paragraph that simply says, ‘Everything is going to be fine. You will be healthy, the baby will be normal, labor will be complication-free, and you’ll make a terrific mother’. However, this book is not out there. I’ve looked.

The last few days I’ve been freaking out about the tests I’m going to take. Some of them are pretty standard and non-invasive, but others will potentially cause your unborn baby to die, which is totally uncool. How am I suppose to make that call? It’s just the first of many painful decisions that only I can make, and I don’t like the precedent it sets for parenthood. I would prefer to only have easy decisions with simple, no-death options. I am pretty sure I’ve settled on the triple-screen test and definitely the first trimester screen (which I think now includes the nuchal test if UNC does it), and then depending on those results do an amnio. Something about the CVS makes me nervous. Oh right, the big needles and the 1 in 100 chance of miscarriage, that's it.

The question, of course, is will you do anything differently if the test results aren’t great? For me, I think I would. I think as tough as single motherhood will be, raising a special-needs child would multiply that by a zillion. I struggle with the guilt, but it’s not like I’m shooting for a ‘perfect’ child for vanity’s sake or anything lame like that. I just don’t think I could devote the time, energy or finances that would be necessary when doing it on my own. Of course, ask me again once I’ve heard a heart beat or seen an ultrasound image, I might feel that I could accept and deal with any disabilities. Early testing can also help plan for early intervention and potential in-utero treatment. This is somewhere around #3 or 4 of my list of Things To Worry About That I Absolutely Cannot Control.

#2 on my list of Things To Worry About That I Totally Can control is my weight (following #1, my eating habits). To that effect I grudgingly and sluggishly donned workout apparel when I got dressed this morning, so that I can go back to my noon treadmill routine. There are just too many things that can affect me and Alastair (gestational diabetes, labor issues, big fat baby) by being so out-of-shape. I’ve made a commitment to eat better, why wouldn’t I go the next step? Oh, right, because I’m lazy. This whole thing blows. It finally dawned on me at some point this weekend that not only would I not be able to drink at the big Halloween party I’m going to, I won’t be able to drink at Thanksgiving (no fresh cranberry margaritas at my aunt’s!), and most critically, I WON’T BE ABLE TO DRINK AT CHRISTMAS. I will be spending a week with my family, sober. Every time I think about that trip I subtract a day’s visit in my head; I think I’m down to Christmas Eve and Christmas day now, and that’s a long way to drive for such a short time.

So here I am, heading into week 7, filled with unusual cravings (I had boiled beets for lunch yesterday) and filled with loathing for just about any smell (couldn’t touch the lasagna I made). I started a draft of my birth plan, and have still managed not to tell anyone although it’s TORTUOUS. I’m tired pretty much all the time, since I toss and turn all night and get nap-cravings in the afternoons. I feel like my jeans are getting tighter, but that’s probably in my head since it’s too early for that crap (and I’m eating less, what with the all-day morning sickness). I still don’t drink enough water, but I swear I’m trying. I have to work harder to focus on what I’m doing (like I have to stop typing every five seconds and re-read what I’ve written because I keep losing my train of thought, and this is the simple stuff – what the heck is going to happen with work?!). And I will NOT make myself crazy this week. I have to take the week off. A pregnancy worry holiday. Good luck with that.