Fat Content of Guilt

The first thing I did when I got back from my business trip was check the test again. Yep, still positive (like it was going to change while I was gone?). Then I spent a few hours convincing myself that it meant nothing because the test still showed as pregnant after I'd had the miscarriage, so tests lie. Then I did some work, and went to the dentist, and tried to ignore stupid Loud and his idiot friend rehearse for Rocky yet again. Loudly.

I have good days, and I have bad. On the way to Salt Lake I had a layover in Chicago and couldn't resist an authentic Windy City hot dog - bad. But delicious! Every morning at the hotel I had the lame 'Good Start' breakfast (Cheerios, skim milk, fresh fruit, whole wheat toast) - good. Every morning I had a Pepsi with breakfast - bad (but, in my defense, Pepsi has like 1/4 the caffeine of a cup of coffee, and it's not like I'm going to kill the baby if I have a teensy bit of caffeine once in a while because otherwise I'll fall over sound asleep in the middle of a client meeting). Today for lunch I had tuna on low-fat Triscuits - good (the lemon-pepper tuna is freaking AWESOME although it's still stinky and I worried about eating tuna); tonight for dinner I want wings and cheese frieds - bad.

I know that I've read stuff about pregnant women 'breaking the rules occasionally', but I would really like to know what the reality is - is it a once-in-a-while splurge thing that happens, or is it a daily oh-my-god-I-don't-care-anymore type of thing? I really can't see going nine months totally monitoring every single thing that goes into my mouth (it's hard enough avoiding alcohol and crystal meth and Pepto Bismol, which are all apparently Baby Forming Evils or BFE). I shouldn't have soft cheeses, or aged cheeses, which means I'm limited to like Kraft Slices. I'm also starting to get really super crazy concerned about my weight. I did a good job of saving money and paying off my debt to get prepared, something I started 5 years ago (I even bought a car seat friendly car purposefully). But I didn't ever manage to stick to shedding the pounds, and now I'm paranoid about falling or overheating while on the treadmill, and the flip side is I'm also worried about gestational diabetes and PCOS (which is TOTALLY irrational, since I'm already pregnant).

It's hard to do what's best for baby when you spend most of your waking hours trying to convince yourself that you're not really pregnant, because you can't tell people yet and you don't want to go through another heartbreak if something happens. I stared in horror at my coworker's story of a 14th-week miscarriage, because 14 is two more weeks than 12, which is when I was planning on telling everyone (roughly Thanksgiving weekend). I don't think there is every any 'right' time, which is just stupid and inefficient, much like the rest of this process.

p.s. Some celebrity (someone old and rockin', like Sting or Rod Stewart) has a baby named Alastair. I was never crazy about that spelling, but I definitely think it would help with pronunciation (Al-ah-stir or Ah-lah-stare instead of Al-iss-stir; there's a difference, I swear). But don't be fooled, it's still not my real baby name, I'll never give it away.