Fear Factor

I know I’ve written about this before and will write about it again, but it’s just so constant, and so shocking in its prevalence, that I can’t let it go.

Fear.

I have never had such a plethora of worries all centered around one very basic, biological effort. I am afraid I will get pregnant, I’m afraid I won’t get pregnant, if I do get pregnant I am constantly afraid of spotting and then of another miscarriage, I’m afraid of making it to 12 weeks and something happening, I’m afraid of making it to 9 months and something happening, I’m afraid of not being able to breastfeed, I’m afraid of any type of childcare (ranging from abuse to bad snacks to Alistair likes the caregiver more than me). The list goes on and on, never ending, only changing as the imaginary baby in my head grows and changes and my projected worries grow and change along with it. I also read ‘A Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth’, which was a HUGE mistake – it was basically a collection of horror stories designed to scare the average mother away from drugs or medical intervention of any kind, written by a hippie new-age free-love midwife. It did say some things I agree with about induction and episiotomies, but still, I want the freaking drugs.

Biggest Fears Right Now:

1. The house will never sell.
2. Statistically, the chance of another miscarriage (should I find myself in a family way again) is now higher since I’ve had one already.
3. The house will never sell.