Managing Expecations

Anyone who knows me at all knows that this is something I've had a problem with ever since I was a small child. Part of the problem is, I am an exuberant person; I like to get excited about things, I like to make a big deal out of stuff, I love drama and heck, if you can’t celebrate the small stuff then what’s the point to it all? Here’s the problem, and I’ve run into it time and time again; rarely does anything work out exactly like you want it to, or hope it will. Sometimes, people let you down or circumstances come up that are outside anyone’s control, and there’s just nothing you can do about it. That trip to see the new Eddie Murphy movie ‘The Golden Child’ gets cancelled because Dad won’t let you drive in the storm (seriously, I’m kind of glad on that one); spa plans are changed because your best friend suddenly has an extra $150 in monthly healthcare expenses.

Sometimes the let down is little, and then sometimes it’s crushing. Cancelling a flight to see a loved one is the latter, while, well, there are all sorts of everyday things that can happen to change anticipated plans. No matter how many times it happens, or how big or small, I am never ready for it. It’s one of the things I will really have to work at as a parent, because everyone knows nothing EVER goes according to plan when there is a little person involved. I got a taste of this as a kindergarten teacher; I’d plan some big event, party or field trip, and at some point I would realize that the kids just didn’t care, or that it didn’t matter to them like I thought it would, and all my work and planning was in vain (well, not in vain, but it felt like it at the time because I'm such a sucky baby).

I am having difficulty managing my expectations. I want to be pregnant. I don’t want to have to try for months and months, I don’t want to have to go through this awful wait time after time, I don’t want my hopes to be crushed again and again. I had a dream last night that I got my period (don’t you hate those? I was in some sort of public school bathroom and didn’t have a change of clothes, it was awful), and I woke up at 3 am in a panic. I’m on Late Day Four and yes, I couldn’t help it, I did another pregnancy test. Yes, it was negative again. I know I sound like a petulant child (especially to those women who have been trying for ever, they’re probably snorting and rolling their eyes right now), but this isn’t a pony or an ice cream or a massage, this is Alistair. I want him/her. Now.