The Daddy Donor

If you have read the Back Story you know that I had two choices for a Daddy Donor; Friend 1 or Friend 2. We'll call them Loud and Quiet. Loud was more outgoing and open to the idea of throwing some material my way (literally, I’m sure), while Quiet was more introspective and unsure about the whole thing. It all came down to the best recipe for Good Babymaking 101. Loud and I have way too much in common; we’re both, uh, loud for one thing. And outgoing. And stubborn, and selfish, and confident, and sloppy. Quiet, on the other hand, is, well, quiet. He’s more comfortable napping on the couch than rocking it at the clubs. He’s also very artistic, and smart, and easy going, and did I mention quiet? The hope is that all those qualities will balance out mine. If I had used Loud, the kid would have popped out, criticized the doctor, and then immediately left home.

So the next adventure was convincing Quiet that this was something he wanted to do. I don’t think I ever succeeded at that, but he did eventually cave in and agree to be the Daddy Donor. To clarify, neither he nor Loud will ever be referred to as The Daddy. They will both be uncles, and are thrilled at the thought, but Quiet is a Donor and nothing more. There will be no Daddy on the birth certificate, no legal or financial responsibility from him in any way. He’s merely helping out a friend in need. It’s still scary for him, though, and understandably – never in a million years did he think he would father a child in any way, so had never considered the possibility. It freaks him out immensely, as it does me and Loud, but I’m sure there are all kinds of other sides to it that I can’t even imagine. I’m just immensely grateful, and proud, and overcome that someone could make the sacrifice to live with me and help raise the little bugger, let alone give a part of themselves to the effort.

We’ve already thought about the world around us and how they will be told. I think the smartest thing to do is go with the Immaculate Conception story, either that or the Stork/Cabbage Patch thing. Our families mostly know; mine knows every detail, of course, because I can’t keep anything to myself to save my life. They are thrilled and excited, and reacted astoundingly well to the idea, which both confused and pleased me. Loud’s family knows also, because much like me he can’t keep anything a secret. I’m not sure if anyone in Quiet’s family knows, because he’s not a talker like we are and he’s got a more difficult story to explain. But Loud’s mom is excited, and wrote me a very touching letter of advice listing different things that her children shoved in their noses or fell out of while growing up. I’m already defensive and irritated about strangers pressing me for information about Alistair’s parentage and he/she hasn’t even been conceived. What I think I’ll try to do is say I used a donor, not say who it is, and try to leave it at that. If strangers try to ask for details I’ll tell them it’s very personal and to leave me the hell alone. I think it would just be too confusing to try to explain who Quiet is and what the relationship will be and how that will work. People already have a difficult time understanding how the three of us can live together (and yet, it would be perfectly clear if I was living with a straight married couple, right?).

As far as explaining to Alistair who his Daddy is, that will be horribly simple. He does not have one. He will be told about Quiet as his biological provider when he is old enough to understand, probably in bits and pieces here and there; we made the decision we did not want to start his/her life with lying. But unless I meet someone, fall in love, get married, and they adopt Alistair, for now he is fatherless. Sad but true. He will, however, have some very loving and involved uncles, tons of extended family members, and lots and lots of positive role models (both male and female). There are still people out there who think choosing single motherhood is selfish, and even cruel. Do they understand that I may be choosing single motherhood, but that I would never have chosen to not have a Daddy? My ideal family always included that person, and his absence does not mean that I have purposefully chosen this life. But a Daddy can be a lot of different things, and maybe sometimes, a lot of different people.