Crazy For Loving You

I finally got to tell someone. I had plans to meet a friend for lunch and knew I couldn’t wait another second or I’d go totally nuts, so with a rush of words I spilled my 8-week old secret. Of course she was thrilled, and listened patiently while I blabbed on and on about my fears and worries and general nausea, until I broke down and started crying (I think I got to, ‘How can I let myself believe that 7 months from now I will be holding a baby, my baby, in my arms?’), at which point she asked me to get a grip because people in the restaurant were going to think that she was breaking up with me.

Basically she gave me some very solid advice, which was to be HAPPY. I’m having a baby! (supposedly). And also, to work at getting back the confidence that I normally have in abundance; the confidence I totally have about motherhood and once the kid is actually here. Both very good points. I’m not letting myself be happy and excited, and I should be, because despite the fear and the worry, all signs thus far point to Baby Town, population me and Alistair. And I know, deep down, that I am capable and equipped to cope with whatever happens, so what the heck’s my deal?

This is why I needed to talk to someone, a woman and a mother and a friend. Because she knows exactly what crazy things are swimming in my head day and night. She has personally experienced the heart-gripping fear of waiting 10 days for AFP test results to come back, and the true horror of an amnio, and all the million little everyday things I’m trying to plan for that just can’t be planned for. She could look at me and say, ‘I’m excited!’, and make me realize, ‘Oh yeah! Me too!’

Anti-Crazy Plan:

1. Stop obsessively buying and reading baby books. They all either say the exact same things or totally contradictory things, and that shit ain’t helping anybody.
2. Come up with three topics that aren’t baby, work, or house related to think about as I drift off to sleep at night. Examples; Plans for Halloween, How Much I Love Peter Petrelli, or What Kinds Of Christmas Cookies Will I Bake This Year?
3. Limit myself to one baby website/blog per day. Stop registering for stuff and no more online window shopping for maternity clothes.
4. Have a banana and a glass of milk before bed, or whatever lame snack is recommended.
5. No more pregnancy tests. Cold turkey. Except for today. Today is the positively last time, I swear.