So I Definitely Ought to Have More Super Powers

37 weeks tomorrow. To the medical profession, that counts as full-term. That is FREAKY.

I’m starting to really feel the weight of the Little Heifer in my back and in the fouchacha region. My friend A. has been really good about picking me up and taking me places where she knows I’ll walk around a lot, like The WalMart. But for the first time the other night I actually stopped and looked at the scooters and thought, ‘Yeah, bring on some of that sweet motorized cart action’. The greeter asked me my due date and told me she didn’t think I was going to make it to May 16, which I just never get tired of hearing. And she commended me when we left. I love to get accolades for shopping! A. just rolled her eyes, but I could tell she was jealous that no one commented on her terrific walking-around-the-store skills. The fat baby so enjoys spending time on the right side of my body that I have more stretch marks there now, and I've given up and accepted sleeping on my left side. I use the word 'sleeping' very loosely.

My latest fear, which I’ll share only with you, dear readers, is that Junior really is a boy and has just been hiding it a la The Crying Game. All those little smocked dresses, argh, it would break my heart. I’ve had several dreams where she was here and was of the male persuasion, but they can’t be trusted since in last night’s she/he was 6 months old and was singing along to the radio. Rapping, to be exact. My dreams are really screwed up lately.

I’m looking forward to the weekend – tomorrow afternoon I’m going to take some hooky time and go sneak out and see ‘Baby Mama’, which I’ve been breathlessly anticipating since I first heard it was coming. I have a total girl crush on Tina Fey. Then I’m going to spend some quality time scrapbooking and getting my flower seedlings and herbs planted, since I’ve put it off way too long. The scrapbooking is a teensy bit bittersweet, since I wanted to have a few pages about Junior’s biological father for her, so I spent a few hours going through old photos of Quiet and compiling a list of basic facts I figured she’d want to know (where he went to school, what time he was born, stuff I don’t even know about my father). I really hope we don’t ever lose touch so that if/when she has any unanswered questions I can ask him. I hate to think that one day she’ll ask, like, what his shoe size is and I won’t know and it will be terribly important like for a school project or a loan application and she’ll hate me. Even more.

In weight gain news, I am almost the same weight as Hellboy, apparently, but a foot shorter. So that's distressing.*

*Last week's EW had a feature where they lined up this summer's super heroes by height and weight. Like, Iron Man (which I cannot WAIT for!), and the new Hulk (who cares?). It was extremely upsetting for the Volvo-sized pregnant women.

Which of These Things Is Not Like the Other

Is it odd that my sister and I both took pictures of our lunch for our blogs the same day last week? (mind you, she was less lazy and actually POSTED her picture, while I got distracted and didn't get mine up until today. Quiet would be so disappointed in me.) I like the picture comparison - she's usually much more of a vegetarian than I am, yet my lunch totally kicks hers. Except that you can't tell from the picture but the plate is weighed down by the 14 lbs of peanut butter and grape jelly on that white bread sandwich. At least it's that pretend white-wheat. And, uh, also hers didn't include cake, so perhaps I lose some points there. In case you can't tell, mine is the one on the left. Compulsive and at the same time, white-trash (I like my food organized and not touching, and I love the TV-dinner look).

Today I had my 36 1/2 week appointment and another ultrasound. The ultrasound was SOOOOO disappointing (couldn't really see much because Junior's precious little nose is crammed right against the placenta), and my Little Heifer is estimated to be 7 1/2 pounds. Mostly in the cranial region. Yes, the tech told me my big fat baby has a big fat head. I wasn't really surprised, that's how we like to grow 'em in my family. But almost 8 lbs already?!! That makes me want to add Dial-an-Epidural to my cell phone phone book. I also had my first fisting I mean internal exam. No dilation or effacement or any other fancy birthin' terms are happening yet. Which can mean either she could be born in another month, or this evening (because doctors still just don't know all that much besides how to apply the leeches).

The shower Saturday was totally awesome. Lots of smocked dresses, which totally thrilled me. I set up the Pack 'N Play last night and can't stop glaring at it whenever I pass by - it really freaks me out, and I don't know why. Signs of baby slowly creeping throughout the rest of the house makes it more real? The P'nP signifies that the shower has happened and it's less than a month til my due date and at some point I'm going to have to set a small child in it, which is utterly paralyzingly terrifying? Who knows. I also realized last night (a little late in the game, much like all my Junior realizations) that in a few months The Nanny, a stranger, is going to be at my house. My new house. The one that is just starting to feel like mine. A stranger, here. With my baby. ERRKKK!!

Quit Crushing the Baby

Good morning, and welcome to Tuesday. Only four days til the Shower! Today’s weather will be cool and sunny, with limited chances of my extra bags of garbage possibly being picked up. Later on in the day we expect to see salads and fresh fruits, since I had fried chicken for dinner last night. Again. And a piece of cake. Omg, did I tell you my newest Kroger sells slices of cake? It’s brilliant, and totally hit the spot for the hummingbird. I got some sort of Italian Crème and a Coconut, but they also had Chocolate and Red Velvet and like two other kinds. $1 for two slices. Just right for two servings for the unwed mother. Because, uh, I also had it with ice cream, my own private un-birthday party. Don’t judge me.

Our headline story is the fact that I am still stomach sleeping, despite my rather advanced girth. I just cannot deal with this side thing. I try, I swear, but at some point I roll over to the position I’m most comfortable in – arms pinned underneath me, leg propped up, quite stubbornly on my stomach. On Junior. The 83 articles I’ve read this morning on the internets tell me that it’s ok, that my body would tell me something was wrong or I’d become uncomfortable long before I hurt Little Heifer. It still worries me. I started poking at her as soon as I was awake, to make sure I hadn’t committed mattress-ide (get it? Too early for lame comedy?). There were some sleepy half-hearted pokes back in return, so I guess she’s still mostly ok. Like I always say, it’s better than doing crystal meth.

The big fat baby and I hung some prints in the living room/dining room last night, in part to hide the ugly paint job that I need to ignore until post-baby and mostly just to balance out the rooms. But it made me really want to get curtains for the dining room, so I might go do that tonight. I swear, it’s got to be the nesting, because even when I move I’m not normally quite this crazy-compulsive about getting everything settled. And the cleaning up after myself! So bizarre. I am apparently tortuously bothered by the idea of leaving for the hospital in the middle of the night and having the pillows on the couch slightly mussed.

Enjoy Tuesday and what it brings for you. My domain change looks like it finally went through so I’ll be able to go work on the other site, huzzah!

Green = Healthy

It’s Monday, and that means I’m tired because I spent the weekend doing errands and stuff around the house like a crazy person, and then Junior refused to let me sleep last night. The garage got organized, which was awesome, and I did zero cleaning, which was less awesome. I also spent like $782 at Target on some curtains and the new Magic Eraser with Febreze. Frickin’ Target. I made another post-baby freezer meal (Spanish Chicken ‘n Rice) and had a nice outing to the Farmer’s Market, which resulted in Spinach Strawberry Salad for dinner last night. I can’t believe strawberries are already in season, I’m so not ready for that.

Saturday afternoon I drove around with the girls looking at houses (no, not for me, for once), and encountered the out-of-control pregnancy foot swelling for the first time. It’s bad when flip flops cut into your gargantuan feet. I had total cankles, which was uncool. I put ‘em up when I got home, but they weren’t better until the following morning. I got tired out sooooo quickly, and it started to hurt when I’d just, like, walk. I think confinement is the only answer.

Today’s I-got-suckered-in-again new food item review is the Canada Dry Green Tea Ginger Ale. Now, some people might think this sounds disgusting, and I was a little bit worried. But I love their Cranberry Ginger Ale so figured I’d give it a shot. I was pleasantly surprised – it was light and refreshing, plus filled with the awesome power of antioxidants and Vitamin C and will also wash your car or something. It made me feel slightly less guilty about drinking a soda beverage while preggers (because, let’s face it, I just don’t like water and this is slightly better than Pepsi), however, it still has a pound of sugar in the form of the evil Corn Syrup of Death. I also can’t decide if I like it just because I’m pregnant and Junior is screwing with my taste buds, or if I’d like it while a rational non-pregnant person. Regardless, a lovely summer carbonated sugar drink.

Only five days til the Baby Shower!!!

I’m a Nerdy Girl and I’m OK

Today I spent a large portion of my time preparing for Junior’s arrival in a very special way. While other less gadget-inclined knocked-up women are busy making CDs or iPod playlists or, god forbid, mix tapes, I am loading up the ol’ family PSP. I realized that it was truly the ideal device for labor, other than the epidural pump – it can hold like a gazillion songs (and can either be on speaker or listened to through earphones, unlike an iPod), photos ('focal points'), plays some pretty nifty games, and, best of all, I installed Tivo Desktop and the converter program on my PC. So I can transfer recorded movies and TV shows to my handheld lover. Which is really, really sexy. I think I might actually go and buy a couple UMD movies, too, just to spoil myself. Do you think ‘Superbad’ is too inappropriate for L&D?

In fun and charitable household news, I donated a bunch more clothes, some appliances, and some furniture to the NC Children’s Hospital. They had left me a note last week that they were doing a pickup today, which was nice and easy, just the way I like my acts of charity (requiring little to no actual effort). The kindly man driving the truck, however, asked me how my snake problem was. SNAKE PROBLEM?! I thought I’d heard him wrong, but no, he said he’d heard from other people in the same neighborhood that the houses near water had problems with black snakes, copperheads, moccasins… and since I had the gulley in the backyard… I was incredulous. Then I laughed my head off, because, really, snake problem? That wasn’t in the real estate listing. I’d be my usual unconcerned self if not for the prospect of Junior, my poor Little Heifer, getting her tantalizingly tender veal-like flesh nipped by some sort of incredibly poisonous critter. Do fences keep out snakes? The gulley really is kind of sharply inclined, so they’d really have to work at getting up into my yard. No, seriously – snakes? Better than huge man-eating spiders, I say. Snakes I can deal with. A hoe makes very short work of one. But how ridiculous. Thank god I worry only about trifling matters.

Happy Friday, everyone. Tomorrow I finish emptying boxes out of the Dining Room and install some organizers in the Garage, then it’s off to beautify myself with a cut & color in preparation for my BABY SHOWER!!! next weekend.

D'OH!

The reason I didn't have cold water? I, uh, hadn't turned it back on.

No, really. This is how painful it is to be me right now.

But my precious handyman made my Nursery less flameable, moved my TV, and looked pretty doing it. So I'm happy.

Failure to Lurch

There are few times when I throw down the gloves and whole-heartedly admit defeat. However, pregnancy has taught me many lessons lately, and awareness of my limitations is just one. My limitations are both physical and mental, it seems. Lying under a sink 8 months pregnant was just plain stupid, I can admit that now, and the nightmare I had last night about said sink exploding and water spewing everywhere was just what I deserved. Also, I don’t seem to have any cold water, just hot, so despite the apparent functionality things aren’t what they seem. I'm going to try to run the dishwasher here shortly, which should be hilarious.

My only other stupid to-do item was to install two little harmless dimmer switches, one for the Master Bedroom and one for the Nursery, the two places where I would want to make sure Little Precious knew it was always quiet time. The Master went ok, except that there’s an odd hum coming from the fixture that I find a little disturbing since I sleep directly underneath. The Nursery, on the other hand…

First of all, understand that in order to ‘do this right’ and not send tasty piping-hot electricity through Junior, I had to flip the breaker switch in the control panel in the garage. So I did that. I then hauled my enormous derrière upstairs to take out the existing light switch and realized that the ceiling fan and light were on the same switch. Hm. I wrestled the wires out, breaking off a piece in the box in the process, and decided that maybe I could just hook up the new switch without the fan wire. So I tried this, and went back to the garage, where the breaker wouldn’t flip. So back upstairs I went, and tried to undo what I had done. However, since I had left a nice little piece of copper wire in the original box, I couldn’t hook it all back up. So I tried doing it without hooking up the fan. Back down to the garage. Back upstairs. Didn’t work. So I next decided to use the box I had taken from the Master bedroom. Hooked everything up. Back down to the garage. Back upstairs. It worked, then blew the breaker. I thought I might have switched the wires, so I made a swap. Back down to the garage. Back upstairs. Didn’t work. Switched the wires back and tried once more. Back down to the garage (you’re starting to get the idea, aren’t you? I also want you to realize just how steep my stairs are, and that I have 194 lbs of dead weight out front), back upstairs. Starting to really sweat despite the AC keeping my house a pregnancy-comfortable 67 degrees. Anyhow, it worked again, then blew the breaker again, so I tore the damn thing out and decided to leave it and call my favorite handyman. I went back down to the garage and flipped the breaker one more time so I’d at least have hall lights, but at some point it blew again, so now I’m worried that I’ve done real damage. Plus I’m mad at myself for being an idiot and not being able to do something so simple. AND I have to call someone to fix something really simple, so I feel like a helpless girl, which I despise. And I wished I was dead because I was so exhausted and I had a couple contractions in there somewhere and my back was killing me.

So the lesson for today, kids, is to NOT DO ANYTHING THAT ISN’T POSITIVELY NECESSARY when you’re eight months pregnant. Because I didn’t learn from my horrible afternoon. Nope, I decided I had to start post-baby cooking, and made a double batch of enchiladas for the freezer. It wasn’t until AFTER that, at 9 pm, that I really and truly wanted to die, so I had a little hormonal self-pitying cry and took a bath and put myself to bed.

Today’s project is to switch out my television sets, but I swear I will wait until the handyman gets here and see if I can throw some money at him so he’ll do it. And then that’s it, absolutely, I promise. I’m all unpacked so there shouldn’t be any more lifting or bending. Maybe one or two more curtains/blinds to hang…

Starting to Mean Business

Phrases I hate to hear – “Let’s schedule you for an ultrasound at your next appointment since the baby seems to be measuring big’

This weekend was all about Coach’s birthday (saw 'Leatherheads', don't bother, two affable guys don't make a right), and unpacking, unpacking, unpacking. I finished setting up the Nursery, Guest Bedroom, and my room. The Office is done. I destroyed the kitchen sink (decided to be a smarty and change out the faucet, so now everything is in pieces spread all over the floor because I bought the wrong connector tubes. Who needs water in the kitchen anyhow?), the Living Room is mostly done without the further addition of shelves or magical cabinets or a free flat screen, the Dining Room just needs the tools cleaned out of it since it’s workbench central right now, the Garage is done thanks to Coach’s manual labor breaking down boxes, and, well, that’s about it! Bathrooms are as done as they’re gonna get without being painted, and I bought some flower seeds to start for the front yard. If I can just get the faucet finished off and the dimmer switches installed I’ll have completed my little compulsive move-in checklist, huzzah!

The best part was that I got to play with the car seat/stroller. I had purchased the Graco travel system from Craigslist (it was brand-new in the box, before you yell at me for buying something so important second-hand). It was one of the things I hadn’t let myself open, as a treat for unpacking, and it was worth the wait. The stroller is really light-weight, and the wheel swivel radius is awesome. Everything folds and locks and opens etc. like butter. I put the car seat base in the car backwards immediately, but got it figured out and all fixed up so Junior has less of a chance of going splat. My Vibe has the LATCH system (really cool, marked on little tags sewn right into the backseat!), which believe it or not was a consideration when I bought the car five years ago (hey, I’m a planner, what can I say). It is WEIRD to drive around with even just the car seat base in the car. But I like to be prepared.

I had my new practice appointment this morning where I had to sit through all the same questions I answered at UNC when I first got pregnant, which made me crazy. And, uh, the nurse pissed me off so I got really defensive and blotchy. Basically she was just really confused when I said I had self-inseminated; I explained I did it myself, at home, with a known donor. She was like, ‘You mean this was a UNC-assisted program?’ I said, no, I did it with a cup and a sterile pipette tube all by my little ol’ self. She then blew me away by asking, ‘Oh, so there’s a special kit you can buy?’ *sigh* I guess that it isn’t that common, but this was a medical professional - I felt like saying, ‘Why, yes, actually, I just walked into CVS and got the Knock Yourself Up In a Box! It was a snap!’ So apparently I am still a little sensitive about the whole thing. The doctor was decent, a nice young female blonde. I got tape-measured for the first time and she felt like Junior was a little further ahead/bigger than she should be (plus UNC didn’t actually send any of the labs or ultrasound results) so she ordered an ultrasound for my next visit. YES! I know that my sister N. would be scandalized, but I am thrilled. I’ll get to see Junior at 36 weeks. Don’t convert that to months or you’ll barf like I just did. They better not be setting me to up be induced or schedule a c-section, because I’m not falling for it, I don't care if they do tell me she's like 10 pounds. She is growing like a weed though – I’ve hit 30 lbs gained. So much for managing that. I startled the nurse because I laughed out loud when I got on the scale and saw the number. That means no more delicious and heartburn-y fried chicken for Little Heifer, I mean baby.

My Blog May Be Boring But at Least My Family is Still Weird

I guess this is what happens when I no longer live with emotionally wracked gay men any more – my life becomes unexciting and my blog will soon be totally unreadable except by people who own Bedazzlers and think that small dogs (other than Jack Russell terriers, obviously) are cute. My big adventure for today was finding my nearest Kroger, since Food Dog was a bust and I’m really pretty store-faithful to the Big K (uh, unless they have a store-brand soda named ‘Big K’, which I think they might – I would never drink that). Anywhoodle, I was a little worried because my new Kroger is in a bit of a rough section of town (translation - I was the only white girl in the store). That’s never bothered me, though, and my new Kroger is NICE! It’s very spacious, and well-stocked, and although it does not have the aforementioned Windmill cookies it DOES have Stewart’s Orange Cream Soda, so it’s forgiven. I also got called ‘Honey’ a lot, which I always like, and more strangers told me that I was huge and was going to go into labor any second, which I do not. And I bought a dozen eggs. Easter Crème Eggs. They’re on clearance for like 19 cents, I can’t cope.

I got a package from an Aunt and Uncle yesterday that made me cry. I’ve never thought to put a gift bag full of stuff in a Fed Ex mailer. It was awesome, all ribbons and shredded tissue. There were a ton of awesome presents for Junior (the cool baby photo album, some teether-type toys, a bunch of onesies and sleepers and socks), a Target gift card, and a check. Ask me how much the check was for. $38.88. I sat and stared at it for like ½ hour, and finally had to call them. The significance of the number? None whatsoever. My uncle ‘just likes eights’. Poor Junior. She’s got nothing but crazy genes on both sides. But the thought was unbelievably sweet, especially for family I’m not all that close to, and then the same Aunt emailed me today to remind me that my family all loved and supported me and that I could always ask for anything, which just made me cry all over again. So I’m feeling less depressed and more oh-yeah-I’m-really-very-lucky. Oooh, and I got baby schwag! I went to the pediatrician orientation last night (bo-ring!) and they gave out Similac diaper bags loaded with haul; cans of formula, bottles, bottle insulators with ice packs, samples, coupons. The orientation itself was pretty lame (although nice to know they have Saturday and Sunday hours, and always have advice nurses 24/7) and I was the only singleton there with 8 married couples, but hey, free stuff!

In ‘OMG I CANNOT LIVE ANOTHER SECOND WITHOUT THIS EVEN THOUGH I’M POSITIVE IT’S A PIECE OF TOTAL CRAP!’ product endorsement news, this is the newest lame-ass item that I’ve seen an infomercial for and will die unless I buy it. Except that it’s like $80, which is too much for even me. So I see a commercial and freak out and glare at my filthy floors which couldn’t possibly be cleaned with anything else, and then 10 minutes later I’ve forgotten about it.

And, finally, it’s FRIDAY! A week of pretending to be doing work while being sick and trying to unpack stuff and having molasses for brains takes its toll. Tomorrow is Coach’s birfday, which is very exciting. And my chore list for the house is to finish unpacking my bedroom (including the closet, ugh), break down some of the Box Fort I’ve built in the garage, and hang some accoutrements (curtains, shelves, etc.). The nursery I pretty much finished yesterday, and the guest room at 2:30 am (seriously – I had insomnia again and figured I might as well do something constructive), so I’m in pretty decent shape. Monday is my first appointment with the new OB/GYN and I’m going to pre-register at the hospital – exciting!

April Fools

I checked two things off my Junior to-do list today. I finally went and saw a lawyer, which was way less traumatic than I thought it would be (mostly because he looked like NPH), and I called a pediatrician’s office. I’m glad I called the doc today, because they do Orientations the first Thursday of every month, which means tomorrow! I guess I go in and get shown around and hopefully meet a couple doctors. Whatever. I’ll have something to put on all the forms I’ve been having to fill out, which is all I care about. Don’t get me wrong, it’s important that Junior have a good doctor, but there are good docs and bad docs everywhere. At least at the practice I’ve chosen there’s a lot of selection, and the receptionist seemed nice.

The consultation with the lawyer was brief and free due to my work legal plan I joined. The paperwork to terminate Quiet’s rights will not be either of those things. $2500!!! That’s ridiculous. I hate lawyers, even if they are very young and very cute and say ‘y’all’ a lot. Basically the advice I got was instead of filing a Voluntary Waiver of Parental Rights right after Junior’s birth, wait six months and file a Termination of Rights, which is much more serious-sounding and supposedly more binding. It seems a lot like Abandonment to me, which I guess it kind of is, but it still bugs me. Basically Quiet will have zero contact with Junior in any form for ½ year (which is in line with what he wanted anyhow), I’ll file a petition, there’ll be a hearing (which he purposefully will not attend), and I’ll have to go to another hearing to sign some stuff and that will be it. NC has next to no case law on something like this so my little precious lawyer is going to pull NY and CA files (slightly more progressive than the South) just to be sure, but he couldn’t think of anything else I needed to do/not do.

Also, I forgot to post that I had my first Braxton-Hicks, or at least the first one I could feel. As you know from my incessant complaining I have had the croup so was working from bed one day last week trying to rest up before the move, and all of a sudden I got this weird pinch-y cramp-y feeling. Shifting position didn’t help, so I stood up and walked around a bit, then finally ended up bent over the end of the bed holding the footboard. It only lasted a couple minutes, and didn’t really hurt (more just a discomfort). It was very exciting. I didn’t think for a minute it was a real contraction though, which I thought about later a little nervously. I’m so sure that I’ll go past my due date – what if I don’t? What if I don’t take those early ‘real’ contractions seriously? It sounds like something stupid I’d do. People say that you know when it’s really starting, and I’m relying on all the pre-labor warm-up activities my childbirth instructor told us about (like the show and the plug and the trots, all the niceties). I’m just starting to get a wee bit nervous since I was watching ‘Deliver Me’ again last night and the woman was 8 weeks from her due date, and I thought, ‘Man, that’s not long at all’ and then realized I was SIX. Ridiculous.

'C' is for 'White Trash'

I went adventuring to the local groceteria Sunday evening. I didn’t have very high expectations since it was one of the local chains that usually fails to deliver, unless you are purposefully shopping for rancid meat and wilted produce. It’s the kind of place you only ever want to buy canned goods, and even then you better check for dents and dates. I figured since it was less than two miles from my house it would be a good only-in-case-of-emergency stop. You know, for like, milk.

They didn’t have milk.

Ok, to be fair, they had their store-brand milk, but they didn’t have anything less shady. Or, more specifically, anything less lactose-y. Maybe because it was a Sunday and they stock on Mondays? I dunno. So I was forced to buy some of their questionable bleach-and-hormone 2%. I hate milk in plastic, is that weird? I use plastic cups for EVERYTHING in my house, except milk. Yet the Lactaid is in a carton, which is technically coated in plastic and not much better. I make no sense at all.

On a positive white-trash-diet note, they DID have the cookies I’ve been looking for since becoming pregnant. Some backstory here…
In the olden times, when I was a tween before we even knew to call them that and we didn’t dress like prostitutes, I babysat for a farming family up the road. They raised cattle and corn and dirty cross-eyed children, five to be exact (children, not crossed eyes. You think I'm joking? It's sad to see a two-year old in an eye patch). So they didn’t have a lot of money for frills like store-bought clothing or fancy store-bought heat. Congealed bacon grease was considered a condiment. Honey-and-margarine sandwiches on Wonder bread were the healthy alternative to their all-beef diet. Anyhow, they always had these cheap cookies that, to a girl raised by hippie organic-food fanatics, were heavenly. Archway makes them here, apparently, but I’m sure it was another company when I was a kid in Northern Ontario. If you aren’t familiar with them, their signature cookie is the ‘Windmill’, but they also have a delectable raspberry-and-oat-ish soft chewy cookie that I, uh, just ate four of. Like I said, for no good reason I’ve been craving them and apparently the Food Lion across the street is just crappy enough to deliver. Eh, who needs clean milk?