I've Changed My Mind, I'll Take Your Pity

I can’t remember if I’d previously mentioned my disdain for the way people were starting to treat me (like a huge stupid pregnant person, which of course is deserved, since I can’t even remember whether I’d posted about it before). That all changed on my return from Boston, when I was almost in tears from flight delays and the nice attendants asked if I wanted to pre-board. Pre-board?! Of course! Who doesn’t want to pre-board, especially when they have to ask for a seat belt extender. The bigger I get, the more people worry about things like a little walk from the parking lot. Drop me off at the door? Sure, thanks! Give me a discount on my microwave install? I’ll take it, I’m just a poor single mother! I feel a little guilty, but since I know it’s very fleeting I think I will relax and enjoy the special treatment. I have to be careful though, because the next obvious step is a rascal.

We closed on the house(s) yesterday, miracle of all miracles. There were all kinds of crazy behind-the-scenes antics on both sides that made it touch-and-go (I came frighteningly close to ending up in a hotel for a week with my stuff in storage), which was awful, but we all got through it and all I wanted to do was sit in the parking lot outside the lawyer’s office afterwards and cry. Everyone keeps asking me, ‘Aren’t you excited?!’ No, actually, I’m not. I’m stressed, and I’m sick again (damn Boston!), and I’m heartbroken, and I’m scared. This is not a fun happy move for me. I’m leaving a beautiful house where I had and lost my two best friends in the world. I’m exhausted from packing and lifting and cleaning and I feel guilty because I know I’m doing too much or bending with my fat instead of my knees. All I want is one good night’s sleep, because that would cure everything, but insomnia and leg cramps and hip bruising and the pee schedule say ‘nay’, so I’m in this permanent blur of tiredness and burning lungs and hacking cough and achiness. Wah! If I call in sick to work again my boss will probably fire me. And then I’ll have to live on the pogey and be a true unwed mother statistic. Omg, so awesome. Do they still have food stamps and government cheese?

After Saturday the Loud and Quiet chapter will be mostly closed. I’ll probably have to meet up with Quiet once more to sign some legal paperwork for Junior, and we’ll have to swap docs next tax season for the mortgages, but otherwise I guess there’s no reason to stay in touch. After all those months of agonizing over what was going on, Quiet never did let me know whether he thought the friendship was worth saving, so I assume he’s going to put everything that happened with me behind him and not look back. Loud is probably delusional enough to think that we could be friends again at some point since he has never understood how deeply and permanently he damaged me, but we all know I need to stay away from that. So the whole thing is just, uh, sad. Cutting ties is never fun no matter the situation, especially when you feel like it wasn’t your choice. But such is life. It hurts me to see them.

I had my final UNC appointment, Junior is still head-down and gaining 14 lbs per week. I need to hurry up and find a pediatrician for the poor little heifer.