Know Doubt

Lately I've been having some doubts. I know, crazy, huh? Me! Doubts! As if! I've been voted Person Most Likely to Unhesitatingly Make a Decision by several coworkers (and friends, and family members, and total strangers...). But with so much uncertainty around the upcoming privatization of my company, recent troubles on the home front, and basic out-of-control stress crying jags I've been experiencing, I don't think adding pregnancy stress and hormone fluctuations to the mix would be smart.

Of course, you may argue, when is getting pregnant ever smart? When is it a good time to have a baby? You can plan and plan and save and plan some more, but I don't think anyone could ever be truly ready for such a ridiculously life-altering event. Everyone has their own theory on whether it's better to go ahead and get it over when you're young and don't know any better, or wait until you've got some experience with the world (meaning, cash in the mattress).

I thought it would get easier.

Stupid, huh? I really did. I thought that after a couple times trying it would become like clockwork, just another household chore that was routinely performed with a slightly irritated sigh and a shrug. That is NOT how it happens. Each time you try you let go of a little more hope. And some of us still drop important things, or continue to have awkward 'Am I doing this right?' moments, so practice does not make perfect. Because each time you realize you have to go through it all again, you doubt yourself a little more; if you can't even get this part right, how the hell are you suppose to manage the rest of it?

I feel like an imposter. I feel like a big faker in the trying-to-have-a-baby club, like I should be kicked out and have my membership rescinded. I have this weird guilt, like I'm one of those women in a Lifetime movie who is secretly taking birth control while pretending to try to conceive, even though of course I'm not. Maybe this is one of those easier-to-pretend-not-to-care-or-try-because-it's-easier-than-failing things, like me not teaching. Omg, did I say that out loud?

I want to make excuses to not do this. I want to blame it on stress, and instability, and ozone depletion, anything. Anything other than admit to being scared it can't or won't happen.