Jennifer Jillian Jellybean, May 21st, 2008 3:31 am

Enjoy the (Internet) Silence

Well, folks, it’s been a heckuva ride, but as of today I am going out on Mat Leave and therefore likely shan’t be blogging for a while. Plus my family is about to descend upon me, and there isn’t room enough in this chair for me AND my mum, who will be instantly attached to my elbow (but in a good way this time). PLUS my office will become my brother’s bedroom, and god knows I won’t want to come in here for that whole time.

I promise to keep good notes about the whole birthing process and share them before Junior leaves for college, but whether that’s on this site or a new site or her personal site or the back of a dirty napkin, who knows. Thanks for reading and feigning interest in our little lives and for all your happy thoughts and well-wishes. Right back atcha.

If you’ve already contacted me to be sent notification of any sort of shiny happy new site, you’ll be automatically added when that happens. If not, well, you shall be soundly whipped for your procrastination and will miss out on DIY Mothering – How I Ruined Junior’s Life in the First 10 Minutes.

So, uh, stop checking this site. Go and do something. Drink more water and finish troubleshooting that issue. Get gas before it goes up another dollar. Refinish that piece of furniture that’s been bugging you. Find another crazy single woman about to make the same mind-boggling mistake I mean decision as I did and tell her to adopt instead, because, seriously, 40 lbs – lame.

See you around the interwebs!

Take What You Can Get

Well, it’s shaping up to be a nice quiet mid-week day. My Cassette to MP3 converter arrived yesterday afternoon, so I got to install and play with new technology. It’s pretty darn cool, although it was a little emotional to listen to some of the tapes I haven’t played in 10 years, since back when I was working in daycare, and I got a bit misty-eyed thinking about playing the songs for Junior. Now I just need some sort of MP3-playing nursery device.

I also learned how to stream photos and music to my friend Tivo yesterday, which was kind of cool. I had a little disagreement with the server but we got it worked out. It’s awesome with my surround sound. I need to do that when I’m in the kitchen cooking. Now if only Tivo would stop arbitrarily recording old episodes of ‘That 70’s Show’. No one needs that.

Since my parents will be here day after tomorrow I started finalizing house-guests-are-arriving- type stuff. I borrowed an air bed for my brother to sleep on and wiped an old laptop so he can play online poker or surf for pron or do whatever boys his age do in the privacy of my office (since I won’t be using it again for work for quite some time, huzzah!). I snuck into my friend D’s house and took her coffee maker, since my parents can’t live without their scientifically computed regular-decaf blend every night after dinner and I am trying to minimize the stress as much as I can before they get here. Maybe I’ll child-lock all the sports channels while I’m at it. I've got a list of activities planned for the first few days they're here that I'm hoping will be called on account of labor, but better safe than trapped in the house watching my mum polish my tea kettle and my dad try to engage me in a political discussion.

My breakfast nook lights were installed yesterday, so that should be the last thing around the house I have to spend money on for quite some time. Uh, other than an entranceway table of some sort. So, house done, laundry up to date, guest rooms ready, going crazy at ‘work’, tired and sore and cranky. Only two more days online, so enjoy this tiny bit of entertainment while you can! I am again getting panic attacks at night about the reality of having a baby. Maybe my heart racing will induce labor. I started on the Fenugreek so I'll let you know about that.

Baby's Big Fat Head Seen from Space

I had my first dream/nightmare last night about going into labor. Luckily it wasn’t about the actual labor itself but about the arguably much worse trauma of getting organized to leave for the hospital. It was VERY similar to that dream where it’s the morning of the first day of a new school year and you don’t know where any classes are, or what your schedule is, or where you have to register. I guess going into labor is a lot like that – you don’t know what you’re doing and despite the fact that there are all kinds of official people there to ‘help’, they are of no use to you. And you never have the right text book.

I had my 40-week appointment this morning (erk!) and the doctor basically said the same thing as last week – big fat baby, big fat head, no change, you’re going to get torn a new one if you don’t go ahead any make my life easier by just scheduling the c-section. *sigh* I also like to be told that I need to worry about the long weekend. God forbid I interrupt someone’s camping trip. Then I fought with my HR Benefits person because I can't just start STD next Monday because I say so; I'd have to have a doctor say so. After the hassle of getting the FMLA paperwork filled out (plus the OB/GYN office charged me a $10 fee! F***ers!), I asked her if it wouldn't be simpler to take the week of Sick or Vacation next week (at the beginning instead of the end of my leave time). But no, she wants me to call her after next week's appointment. Argh.


The seriously GREAT news is that my parents have decided they’re done with waiting as well, so they’re just going to plan on packing up the car Thursday and heading this way for Friday. Which is awesome, because I’ll probably be sitting twiddling my thumbs all next week, and now I’ll have company to keep me occupied. Plus I have been dying for 6 months to have my mother here, and hopefully she’ll arrive in time to feel this crazy baby in utero and mock my hugeness. And push me around in some sort of cart.

While I may not be dilated or effaced, my Bishop’s Score for irritability is 100%. I am mean to everyone without prejudice, and flipped off someone who honked at me for the first time in my whole life. I figure at my current weight I can take ANYONE, so good luck trying to yank me from my vehicle. My patience is stretched and thin, and my tolerance has dropped. So while Junior might not be ready, I am. For some stabbin’. I bought some Fenugreek and Black Cohosh and just may be ready to try jumping jacks. And knitting needles.

Working Girls

Well, not milk, yet, but at least, signs of colostrum. Huzzah!! My cute little pump arrived yesterday so I spent some quality time playing with The Girls last night. Uh, don’t read any further if you don’t want to hear a whole lot more information about my breasts. Sorry, that warning may have been a little late. Anyhow, I’m not quite coordinated enough yet to juggle doing two at once, but I did one at a time for about 20 minutes each AND STUFF CAME OUT!!! Like, the teensiest tiniest hint. But still. As most of you know, I had breast reduction surgery my senior year of college and I’ve been worrying pretty much daily about my ability to breastfeed ever since. This gave me an amazing amount of hope and reassurance. Put those girls to work!

I obviously did NOT, however, immediately go into labor, which is kinda secretly what I’d been hoping for. But it’s a start. And maybe it will help toughen up my nips prior to the Little Heifer being attached? I dunno. My next plan of attack is fenugreek. Used to increase milk production it also has been proven to stimulate uterine contractions. And, uh, I really really just love fenugreek, so if I smell like maple syrup it won’t bother me one bit. I refuse to do the castor oil thing because, ew. Pooing my pants for three days isn’t as nice a side effect as the smelling-like-maple-syrup thing. Step Three in my Secret Plan to Induce Labor Without Walking will be to get a pedicure some time this weekend – apparently there’s a magic spot somewhere around the heel that, when rubbed, will make a woman bark like a dog. No, wait, that’s from ‘Scrooged’. The magic spot rubbing will supposedly bring on contractions. Eh, even if it doesn’t work, pedicure! Rub my nasty scratchy heels, lady! Soak those swollen Fred Flinstone feet!

Yesterday was pretty awesome and tomorrow will be even better. I did end up going to the spa open house and it was pretty decent. They had some Dermalogica free samples which was very cool, and convinced me to spend a zillion dollars on additional must-have items, which was uncool, and I got not one but two mini-massages which was heaven after that night of back pain. My friend C. went with me, and since she likes to throw money at stuff to assuage her guilt ended up pre-paying for a pre-natal massage for me, scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Which will ROCK. She feels bad because she’s out of town for the next two weeks and will miss out on Junior’s arrival, so I scored. Also, my handyman comes tomorrow to hang the breakfast nook lights and install the screen door, and it’s always pleasant to stand around and stare at him. And, uh, get things installed.

It's Week 39 - Do You Know When Your Baby Will Arrive?

After being up last night for two hours with Braxton Hicks in my lower back, I told my boss today that if I went past my due date I was going to take off work early. My exact words to her were, “I’m climbing the walls and just getting worse, and I’m worried that I’ll be asked a question on a conference call and I’ll say ‘I like apples’”. She was a little confused by my example because, well, she’s a grown-up, but the good news is, she was very cool about it. The bad news is, well, tighter budgeting for me, but at this point I would take that last week off without pay. 66% isn’t that bad. So seven more days of work at the most, I can cope with that. It gives me a date to hold onto. Again, not complaining here, things could be way worse and I could be on bed rest or trapped without a car or trapped under a car or whatever. So don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful I’m as mobile as I am and not in excruciating pain every second of the day. I’m just, well, ready. And people need to stop telling me to walk. I’ve never felt less like walking in my entire life. I’m counting on the newly ordered pump to get things going a la the very unsexy electric nipple stimulation. And I thought my Friday nights couldn't get any more pitiful.

I had a dental appointment yesterday and stocked up on the next few weeks’ worth of Invisalign trays. I love my dentist – she told a great story about how when she was in labor she wanted every drug they had available, which opened the way for me to make a chloroform joke, which I always appreciate . Plus she kept saying, ‘You just look so darn CUTE!’ and told me my highlights were fantastic. And then she offered to do some plaster casts of Junior’s hands and feet with their dental molding, which is freaking awesome. They wouldn’t let me leave the office until I had promised at least 4 separate people I would bring the baby in like as soon as she had been weighed and suctioned. Such a popular child already.

The weather is heating up and all I want is for the local swimming pools to be open. I don’t care that small children and the elderly would run in fear if I was to be seen in a bathing suit. I just want some sun and some weightlessness. Coach is going to bring the Wii and the Mario Kart over this weekend for some distraction, which will be fun. Even better, she’ll bring her brother, who will cut my weeds. I mean grass. I have given up on the gardening, I just really don't care any more. I half-heartedly spread some grass seed but it can tell I don't have high expectations so it's striving to disappoint.

Tonight there is some sort of event at my local spa where they have hors d'oeuvres and show off new products and give mini-massages and facials. I think I'm going to go so that I can get out of the house and do some of that new-fangled walkin' everyone is speaking so highly of. At the very least I'll be able to do some old-fashioned spendin', which should make me happy.

Still Crazy After All These Months

So I keep coming up with all these awesome things to blog about, but it’s at like 11 pm and I’m nowhere near a functional laptop or pen or chisel and stone tablet. I end up forgetting what brilliance I had composed in my head and writing about, like, my terrible eating habits. Sorry. You deserve better. And Junior deserves less corn dogs and more bright green veggies.

We’re getting down to crunch time, and the show is finally getting on the road with some thinning, although definitely not in my midsection – I gained 4 lbs between last week’s appointment and today’s. I wouldn’t have thought that was medically possible without ingesting lard sandwiches and cake smoothies. Mmmm… cake smoothies. Anyhow, I found out my practice will induce if I haven’t shot out Junior by week 41 which is in -18- days if you aren’t compulsively counting like me.

I am utterly and completely useless at work, I’m irritable with the nice strangers who want to talk to me even more because of the conversation-piece-belly, and I AM GOING OUT OF MY MIND. I can’t be any more ready than I am, and there’s only so much Baby Story one person can watch. I had to drop Battlestar Galactica because I’m not smart enough to watch it right now (plus I don’t have anyone else to talk to about it, and it’s really a watch-and-discuss type of show, I’ve learned). The scrapbook is as done as it can be without me photoshopping in someone else's baby. I'm not allowed to buy anything else. I'm not allowed to hang or paint or install or organize anything else. People who aren't prepared are dropping babies like crazy, but Junior is taking her sweet precious time AND IT'S KILLING ME.

Happy Cinco de Mayo – please have a drink with some salt and some lime for me. The commercials for the summer beers are starting to come out, and I drool every time – and I’m not even a beer drinker. I just need to hold it together a little longer…