Sorry, Junior

I am officially well into The Third Trimester, which seemed to follow the actual conception schedule rather than that lame adjusted doctor’s date which puts everything off two weeks. For me, the light at the end of the throwing up in the shower didn’t start to shine until around 15 weeks. Now that I’m in week 17 ½ it’s very exciting; the nausea is gone, the aching tiredness isn’t as all-encompassing, and I ate a burger last night for dinner (although, man, that half pound of well done red meat just about killed me after all this veggie time).

Boston is 23 degrees and very pretty and Christmas-y, but I forgot how much work cold weather is. Driving is harder, I’m terrified of falling on Junior in an icy parking lot, and I can barely move in 97 lbs. of turtleneck and sweater and long coat. Dragging a laptop bag through slush sucks. I had to scrape a windshield! At a time when I have been very seriously considering a move back to Canada sooner rather than later, this trip has been a harsh reminder of the reality of a Northern winter. Maybe I ought to stick to my idea of just going for six months; long enough to get away for a bit, but not a permanent move. Surprisingly I am for once wary of leaping from one bad situation to another.

House drama has, unsurprisingly, escalated already. Loud, earlier than I had expected, feels like he has a license to be a jerk because, as he snidely justified, “You’re going to have a screaming baby soon, so you can’t say a damn thing”. Quiet #2, who I actually feel very sorry for, has had a breakdown of his own. Who knows what games Loud is playing with him? I don’t even want to know, just like I have come to realize I don’t want to know what it is he has said to Quiet #1 that has likely contributed towards him questioning/being resentful of/feeling bad about/being able to walk away from our friendship. I’m tired of going around and around every day asking myself what exactly I’ve done or what I could possibly do to fix things.

I just feel like there’s something more I could be doing to avoid bringing Junior into such a toxic environment. I feel like I’m failing her as a mother right out of the gate by not providing her with a safe, supportive and happy home. She’s already resented and a source of contention and the truly hard part hasn’t even come yet. It seemed like this past weekend I ran into someone who knew me and the guys every time I turned around, and I just smiled and said everything was great when asked how things were; I can’t admit that everything is in shambles because I’m insecure about being judged, not just for choosing to become a single mother but because I can't provide and protect. I know that this situation can’t last forever, but a study I read the other day found that extreme stress can result in premature or low birth weight babies, which can affect their growth and development. I would never, ever forgive myself if I thought that Junior was affected in that way by something I had inadvertently caused. I’m incredibly jealous that the guys can deal with their crazy lives by drinking or smoking or popping pills or having random sex or whatever. I have got to stop letting it all get to me. I have got to stay focused on better days ahead, no matter how far.