My Chemical Romance

I have learned so much in the past week, it’s really been terrific. I have learned that finding out you are pregnant, especially the very first time, is utterly terrifying no matter what the circumstances. I learned that my mother had a miscarriage shortly after having one of my sisters, which I did not previously know. And I learned that the technical term for an early trimester miscarriage is a ‘chemical pregnancy’, and that this is pretty common (involving up to 30-40% of all pregnancies), and that it’s really, really bad when it happens to you.

The actual physical pain isn’t very cool, especially for me who has never had a big issue with monster monthly cramps the way this is kicking me down. The emotional pain is harder, because it’s confusing and filled with guilt and doubt and loss and fear. There are lots of very positive things I can come up with (the next few months should be even more fertile! I know I can get pregnant now! My due date will be later, which means my mom will be able to come stay with me sooner!), but the bottom line here, and there’s just no way around it no matter what I tell myself, is that this was my first baby, and now it’s gone.

I really think I’m lucky that I wasn’t further along; as if women go through this in their fourth month, or sixth, or ninth? How am I suppose to not think of that every single day the next time I’m lucky enough to be in a family way again? I had barely accepted the fact that I was pregnant, that there was a little life starting to form. I hadn’t talked to it, or nicknamed it, it was very much still an ‘it’. I’m not sure when you cross that line and ‘it’ becomes ‘the baby’, but now I’m really afraid of developing that attachment.

I’m also really, really worried about it happening again; the conception more so than another loss. Seven months turned out to be no time at all in the perspective of things, but no matter what I read or the advice I get I still feel like I’ve slid back the snake’s tail to square one. I do feel that I’m more practiced, but now I also feel more pressure. What if that was my one shot? And how much doubt am I going to have THIS time when I get that positive result? How many weeks will have to go by before I will let myself celebrate, can let my guard down a teensy bit? Yes, I’m going to jump right back on that horse. From everything I’ve read (and believe me, it’s a lot), the three months following a miscarriage are the most fertile and my best chance, soI sure as heck don't want to waste an opportunity.

Baby-Who-Was-Not-Alistair, I’m sorry you couldn’t stick around. I guess that there was probably something wrong and it was for the best, so I can’t argue with that. I think I’m over the guilt that it was the flight or the heat or the Frova or something else I did, but I promise to try and do better next time. I never got to know you, and it sounds terrible, but I’m really glad I didn’t, because I can’t think how I would be able to deal with this if you were truly a person to me. You were a good practice for Alistair, and I am grateful for that. It’s going to make me appreciate Baby-Who-Was-Meant-To-Be even more.