The Girl Who Cried Pregnant

Each person that I tell makes it more real to me. This is what I tell myself, and is the only explanation I have for why I keep telling random people my news, despite the fact I have NOT waited the obligatory 3 months. That, and, well, I just can’t keep a secret. And my youngest sister totally outed me on Facebook. Seriously, I almost told a woman in the airport.

I have, however, worked very hard to keep my secret today, since I am at a meeting with a zillion gossipy coworkers and I don’t really want the news to get to my brand-new boss. I’m not ready for that conversation. I do think that it is sinking in a little more, that I’m letting myself start to finally believe. Until I find myself in the bathroom stall, holding my breath until I assure myself that for now, at least, it’s still true.

I spent a lot of the flight to Chicago alternating between Lifetime Television for Women-style revelations (‘My friend Quiet gave me a baby, omg! Hm, I better get him something really good this Christmas’), ‘duh’ moments (‘My sister’s husband is Alistair’s UNCLE! That is so damn cool!’) and, well, more fear and general denial. Then we landed. It was bumpy (it is the windy city, after all), and although I had been clutching my latest love, a PSP, I instinctively let go and put a hand on my lower abdomen. Of course, I instantly felt like an idiot and realized it was far more likely for the $200 piece of gaming equipment to fall on the floor than the embryo or whatever the heck it is at this stage, so I went back to holding the other baby. But still – maybe we’ll be ok.

This evening it seemed like there might be some spotting which freaked me out – more of the ‘Uh huh, I knew it was too good to be true, now everyone is going to make fun of me but in a pitying way’ type rather than the ‘Uh oh, what’s wrong’ kind of thing. Since I still do not believe it’s real. So I obsessively read everything I could online, which interestingly has convinced me that the blood-in-the-pipette-tube traumatic experience last month was a result of ovulation bleeding (pinpointing conception exactly to the minute the evening of July 15th), but failed, however, to convince me that what I’m experiencing is anything other than my insane body getting ready to menstruate. Because really, as if I could be pregnant? Sheesh, I’m not even married.