Supermarket Stress Sweep

Spa days and flowers, calls from friends, all these are wonderful things. But you can't beat the grocery store for good ol' fashioned fun.

Those of my unsuspecting friends who have never made such a trek with me learn quickly that this is not an in-and-out type of errand. There is no grab-just-a-few-things for me. If I went to the grocery 5 days in a row I would likely spend the exact same amount of time and the same amount of money, regardless of what I did or didn't really need. Need isn't the point for me, or at least, pantry need. Grocery shopping fills another hole for me that is difficult to explain.

Take, for example, the exciting challenge of getting the best savings. There is no better feeling than that total at the bottom of your receipt that says how much you saved, and it is utterly unrelated to the vast fortune you actually spent. Look at you, clipping coupons and being thrifty! Who cares that your cupboard shelves are groaning, that you have dry goods from 1971? It's like a game, and you are always the winner. I actually look at the unit pricing when I buy, especially if something is on sale - I don't like sneaky retailers who try to pull a fast one on me. And if it's something that we like and eat a lot of in the house (like, say, string cheese or bacon), then I am fearless about loading up the cart. This gets me into a lot of trouble with the Freezer Patrol, who won't let me fill the garage with extra refrigeration devices, so it's really their own fault.

Another game I like to play is, 'What's New in the World of Food?' I'm a total sucker for anything re-invented, re-packaged, colored differently, oddly unique, or generally disgusting sounding. If they made an eggplant yogurt, I would have to buy it, at least once. And I hate both those things. Freezer Patrol gets very upset with the ice cream companies, because I have a weakness for buying interesting-looking ice cream, but only seem to like the first 3 scoops of any flavor. I pretty much stay out of the cereal aisle altogether, unless I'm feeling very strong.

And how about, 'Who's the Healthy Eater?', one of my personal favorites. I like to thoughtfully select brown eggs and tofu, fresh greens and hormone-free chicken, and tut-tut disapprovingly at the woman in line ahead of me with her bologna and powdered-sugar donuts. Then, after loading up the car, I go through the McDonald's drive-through for a Happy Meal. Because nothing says 'Let's Make a Commitment to Really Lose Weight!' like a cheeseburger and a fridge full of rotting produce.

The average trip usually takes anywhere from 45 minutes to two hours, and runs about $50-75 dollars. Since I split that with housemates, it's really only like $20. Where else can I get such a great stress-reliever for that price? You can't get a massage for that (at least, not any kind of massage that I am conscious for and have previously agreed to). There's no hangover, no guilt, no pain (except for the unlucky person/people who are dragged along with me, moaning and complaining and trying to rush me the whole time). Who has time to worry about little things like their job, or where they'll live, when there are so many exciting things to look at and smell and poke? (keep in mind people tend to look at you strangely if you do these last two things, which I'm oddly fond of doing in the marshmallow aisle)

And I haven't even mentioned the multitudes of versions of lists, the by-department planning that goes into the whole venture... *happy sigh*